they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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