So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I did not marry a roomba.
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