I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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