Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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