Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
