How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
