i think my tv is drunk
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
