Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
