Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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