you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
