I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
