This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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