i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
