walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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