You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
