I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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