im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
