this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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