hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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