bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
