i was rollin on her like bob the builder
now i know why i became what i already was.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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