Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
