My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
