dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize