theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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