No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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