Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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