he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
