I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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