He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
