I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize