A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
