my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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