I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
