I need to stop coming to work sober
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Found your dick twin last night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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