At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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