i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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