He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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