I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
