I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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