I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
