Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
