I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
