My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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