I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
