I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
