I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
