He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
