Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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