just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
