I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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