I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
