I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
