i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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