He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
