Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
