I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We are two peas in an std pod
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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