Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
