Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
