She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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