Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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