my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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