You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
