if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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