You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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