Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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