i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ketchup is God's man juice
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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