Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize