In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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