She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
