He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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