Just fell off a train. Bad.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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