I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I looked at my own cervix.
I wish you could order shots online.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
