I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
