I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
